A moment

I had one of those moments today as a parent... Where I felt like I actually did the right thing and that maybe I am on the right track. I was about to put bayley in a time out for not listening and although it didn't really feel right,I insisted. Then as I set her on the rug she calmed down and through her cries said "excuse me mama" and I said "what honey?" and she said "can you hold me nicely?". She melted into my arms and I knew there was no way she was going into a time out. She was able to identify what she needed and ask for it. I think that is such an important skill in life. I want her to know that she can ask for what she needs and most of the time get it. Not being material things, but true human needs like affection or solitude. I want her to trust me and me to be trustworthy. I also want her to trust the world and know that she can get her needs met.

birth day

It's 5:55 a.m. and i keep contemplating going back to sleep. But i just made a cup of newmans own organic coffee so there's no turning back now. i wish i had a danish. Today is my Birthday, I am 31 years old. Typing that seems so strange. I remember 31 being the age that my Mom had me and thinking that age was so far away. But it really wasn't. Fortunatley, I feel like everything has just begun. Like i'm finally becoming myself after carrying around some baggage. Bags full of other peoples expectations and problems and bags of self doubt and self defeating thoughts. Bags full of stuff that i didn't want or need but somehow accumulated along the way. Emotional hoarding. Like when you go to a trade show and all of a sudden your purse is loaded down with 7 beer coozies, ugly keychains and coupons for sausage and household cleaners. So here's to leaving those bags at baggage claim, to not picking up stuff unless it serves me well. what serves me well?? This Birthday is especially meaningful for me. I am home. I remember months ago siting at the table discussing what we were going to do. Adam's job was requiring him to travel ridiculous amounts and i was pregnant. We felt trapped and afraid. He kept applying for jobs in san diego but it was too hard because he couldn't be there in person for the tests/interviews. I remember saying "ok, here is what we are going to do" and rambled off some crazy thought that just jumped into my head but didn't seen very logical. Like "just quit your job and we will move into my mom and grandmas and live on our savings and you will find a job when we get there." Adam said "ok" So basically that's what we did. We took a leap of faith and nothing bad happened. Good things actually happened! Challenging without a doubt, but I think facing challenges and making tough decisions is what makes people stronger and more authentic. I am so grateful to my wonderful network of family and friends who have helped us so much. Happy Birthday to me!! "some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity... " -gilda radner

confidently

Here is a letter to everyone. You open it. It says, Live. ~Rumi

lately i have been doing a lot of tweaking in the parenting department.  i have been trying to see what works the best and what i can throw out the window.  my best friend is confidence and trusting what really feels right for me in my heart.  only then am i able to enforce what i believe in with conviction.  this is huge, kids have a sixth sense and can tell when we are weary.  when i am having a tough time i try to channel my inner motivational speaker.  who would you rather take direction from, joel olsteen or hitler? does a screaming dictating parent usually get the results they want? i haven't seen it happen, and i've been to walmart many a times.  but joel and oprah, they've got audiences beaming with enthusiasm.  a nice balance of kindness, firmness and confidence is what's working for me. 

A good day

My cleaning frenzy started early. I actually got 8 hrs of sleep last night so i woke up feeling great. We stayed home. It rained. We watched movies and I let Bayley play on the iPad too long. We snacked and drank chocolate milk. Bayley changed her dress 4 times. She took a mid day bath and splashed all over after I'd cleaned the bathroom. I felt the baby move. She helped me make dinner and we ate lentils, acorn squash and spinach and didn't watch tv. We talked. Yesterday morning she asked me over breakfast"so mama, what was your dream about?"
And this evening over dinner she asked me if boy mermaids have penis'. Hmmm that was a tough one, but I guessed yes. Then she told me girls have "paginas". Oh I love the innocence of this age. I Didn't yell today. I was confident and firm. I felt like I did a really good job today in the mom department. I felt balanced and I like that. I'm laying in bed under clean sheets listening to the rain. Yesterday was a busy day with new friends and I think it fueled me. And I'm nesting for sure. I just hope this continues. Adam comes home on Friday and I'm so glad because I need my other half.
Goodnight

I remember

I remember looking at Bayley as a little baby, lying next to her in bed watching her sleep. I remember thinking "I never want to forget this"
I thought the exact thought tonight as I laid beside her.
I don't ever want to forget her chubby cheeks that I kiss all day, chipped fingernails, bangs that are growing out, wearing a princess dress every single day, "mama, can I have a treat?"
Her singing at the top of her lungs as we grocery shop, her curiosity, the way she loves an audience watching her dance, the way she will try so hard to get me to lighten up and laugh when I'm being too serious-oh how I need that! The way she teaches me how to live life on purpose and to be true to myself.

Oh how I cherish these days!!

we are fine

sometimes i say "be careful" so many times in one day that i just start saying it automatically and  most of the time it is unnecessary. do i really need to tell my daughter to be careful as she hangs on to the end of the grocery cart as she has a hundred times before? does it make a difference?  how many times does a kid hurt themselves and the parent say " i thought i told you to be careful?"  doesn't that sound silly?  kids don't want to hurt themselves.  and as a parent i believe that making a child fearful of everything and everyone is much more damaging than a bump on the head or a broken bone.  don't get me wrong i want to protect my children, but i also want to protect thier future outlook on life.   i want to raise children to know that the world is a safe and nurturing place, because it is.  it is all in our perception.  i've watched the news and am well aware of the random dangers like getting ecoli from hamburger and children being abducted from shopping malls in the blink of an eye,  but are these the things i want to focus on? no.  i want to be aware, yes.  because awareness is our best defense to any catastrophe. but i don't want to live in fear of every minute and teach my child to do the same.

because at the end of the day, we are fine. 

and our biggest problem may be worrying about the next day.
i want to give more thought and intention to the good, the positive.
i do believe that my three and a half year old is much more aware than i am.  "mama, what is that black thing?"  "mama, we are by the mall!"  "mama, why do you smell like chocolate?"  She is fully tuned into all five senses at all times.  She isn't worried about bills or the dentist appointment she needs  to make.  She has no distractions and is fully present.  wouldn't that be a refreshing way to live?  to just know that everything is going to be fine and tune into the present moment with every ounce of your being.  
she is my guru and i have much to learn from her. 
when i am aware i don't default to "be careful" a hundred times over.
i engage, i respond, i show instead of tell.
i let it go

"what you do speaks so loud, i cannot hear what you say."    -Emerson

Happy Birthday to my Mom

Happy Birthday Mom!!!  I miss you so much and i wish i could be with you and bake you a cake and make yummy food and laugh and have fun!!  I love you so much and I am so lucky and grateful to have you as my Mom.  I hope you have a wonderful day!!!

lots of love,
Abbey

lucky

i love how bayley can't pronounce her s's
i love my wonderfully sweet husband and that her sent me flowers
i love staying at my mom and grandmas and spending time with them
i love thai chicken soup
i love lime
i love pinterest
i love baby kallies head tilt and wave
i love opposums
i love seeing the good in everything no matter what
i love sand
i love pottery barn
i love having lots of good friends
i love good news
i love zucchini bread
i love every second of this wonderful blessed life

Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas. ~Shoseki

grate"full"

today was a glorious day
it rained and we stayed home
we played "my little ponies" which consists of me chasing bayley around in circles and i am the scary zebra pony and she is twilight sparkles
we made cupcakes and i learned if you don't use a mixer, they turn out better
i really do love having all our stuff in storage because its helping me learn what i can do without and what i cherish and miss (my le creuset soup pot and mom's cast iron skillet)
i made lentil vegetable soup and crescent rolls and put a dollop of cream cheese inside the crescent roll and then put butter on top,  heaven!!!  oh and trader joes crescent rolls are the only ones i buy now, they are healthier and yummier.
oh and you know those spoons at japanese restaurants for miso soup, well i bought a couple at the asian market for bayley and they work great for soup.
we watched movies like "feck"  (shrek 3)  kinda sounds like a bad word when bayley says it, but i still love that she can't pronounce her "s's"  skip=kip  skeleton=keleton  skittle=kittle 
our library here has the most amazing selection of kids movies, better than any movie rental place.
we built a fort and i browsed pinterest because it's my new favorite internet addiction
at bedtime bayley has been saying her prayers out the window and its so sweet it made me cry the other night.  she thanks God for everything she loves and tonight it was cupcakes, cars and bubble guppies.  some nights its family and puppies, pillows and water.  i'm just so grateful that she is learning gratitude and how to practice it daily.  it makes my heart ooze happiness.
and since bayley didn't take a nap, she actually cut me off mid book tonight and said "mom, lets go to sleep"  you could say i was speechless considering last night i laid with her for over an hour as she tossed and whined and begged for another snack and drink and potty and back rubs.
the evening ended with adam and i laughing til we cried reading auto text correct. 


i have been getting really frustrated lately with bayley not listening and i really didn't like some of the things i was saying and my tone.  i was nagging, punishing, being way too harsh.  i realized that it is my problem how i react, not hers.  i am her parent and i am here to teach her, not dictate.  the thing is, most of the time she is teaching me way more than i am teaching her.  a three year old is living how we all should be living.  in the present moment, happy just to be exactly where they are.  so after reading up a little on the montessori method, i decided to try a new approach.  instead of getting all bent out of shape over something and saying something like "nooooooooooooooooo bayley, stop that right now"  i have started to remain calm but firm.  and if it's not that big of a deal, i either let it go or i ask her kindly. sort of how i would talk to a friend or coworker instead of "i need you to throw your candy wrapper in the trash" 
i try "hey bayley can you please throw your candy wrapper away?"  a lot of it is about tone, the second she senses my irritability, she is gonna up the ante big time. 
the more i started thinking about being kinder and more patient, i realized that a lot of time people are nicer to complete strangers than to their spouse and kids.  obviously families can have a lot of stress and no one is perfect, but i am starting to realize that this is a big deal for me.  i want to do whatever i can to minimize our stress so that i can be less snappy and irritable and more light hearted and thoughtful.  because what a huge difference i feel when i control the crazy lady inside me and now my child listens more often and we are both much happier.

pumpkin patch this weekend and more good good things  coming soon

peace out

wherever you go, there you are

i think i can survive anything
after driving cross country with a bad case of bronchitis, being put on steroids that actually made me lose my mind and have a 48 hour panic attack, and settling into a place i've never even been...
i am alive
and doing quite well
except i really miss my mom, will you come move here please?

they say to give a new place a year before you decide if you like it or not.  we've been here a month and things are growing on me yet at the same time i am feeling my california roots tugging at me more often than i imagined they would.  i love the true autumn that the midwest has to offer.  i stop at every gold tree and take pictures like some crazy tourist at the Eiffel tower.  people stare, it's funny.  we are living downtown and can see the st louis arch out our window.  i am getting to know my way around downtown and can walk to the grocery store, library, starbucks and several restaurants.  i get lost everyday, it's the only way i learn how to find my way...eventually.

Bayley is taking it all in and sets such a great example of acclimating




doing yoga








i've actually been cooking quite a bit even though our kitchen is tiny, it's kind of challenging and fun

apple crisp











grand canyon






flagstaff, az


family photo  ha








easy healthy dinner that is cheap

-chinese chicken legs

marinate organic chicken legs in
soysauce (about a cup)
2 tblsp minced fresh garlic
2 tblsp minced fresh ginger
pepper
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp olive oil

bake on parchment paper on cookie sheet at 375 til browned well
40 min-hr depending on how big the legs

at the end melt butter on each leg and dot with honey
bake a couple minutes longer




-sauteed bok choy

bok choy is so cheap at asian markets  and so healthy

rinse well and chop in one inch pieces



heat olive oil in a pan on high and add bokchoy
toss and add more olive oil
add soy sauce
cook 5 minutes

serve with trader joes basmati rice

yummy









goodnight